🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.